How to turn the holidays into your a healing retreat
Being with family during the holidays is intense.
Not being with family during the holidays is intense.
I've been in both scenarios and have found both challenging and illuminating in different ways.
After not spending Christmas with my family for a couple of years, I’m currently typing this from my great-grandmother’s house (now my mum's) in Mexico.
Being back home can often create a weird loop in space/time where you find yourself suddenly inhabiting the intense feelings and behaviours of your 11-year-old self.
To avoid being completely hijacked by a past self (or selves; sometimes it becomes a party), it takes us reminding our inner child/adolescent that WE are now, surprise surprise, an adult... and not only that, but we are now the responsible adult in charge (of ourselves and our inner kingdom, that is 👑).
If you, like me, have the gift of being amongst your people this holiday season maybe you can try something new this year... what if you chose to make it the most enlightening and "transformational" experience of 2023?
If your heart is curious, here are a few invitations for you to play with:
Self-parenting: you are responsible for your wellbeing
Instead of the vulnerable and dependent child we once were, we now yield the power to hold, listen and look after ourselves. Our survival, safety and well-being no longer lie in foreign hands, but rather in ours.
Create a relationship of acceptance, respect, and compassion with all the multitudes you contain. Give yourself permission to feel (disclaimer: this doesn’t mean reacting from emotions). Be there for yourself (don’t self-abandon). Communicate as clearly and lovingly as you can (with yourself, first). Embrace your imperfections with sweet tenderness. Identify your own needs and meet them to the best of your abilities.
Rather than outsourcing your peace and happiness, bring it in-house.
Q for you: How would the most loving, wise, and caring parent treat you? Look after you? Speak to you?
What would it be like to practice being the parent (for yourself) you most yearn(ed) for?
Self-parenting is life-changing.
Rather than resenting not having the parents we wanted, we chose to become the parents we needed.
The ultimate liberation.
Agency: you have choices
The world no longer happens to us; we have influence and power in our own world (thank the Goddess).
We are no longer at the mercy of the “grown-ups”. We no longer need to passively “just take” whatever comes our way.
You have agency. You have options. You are your own saviour.
You can look after yourself, whatever that looks like: setting boundaries, going for a walk, saying yes please and no thank you, checking into a hotel to have some space, taking breaks to watch cat videos, changing your flights, etc.
Among all the challenges that come with being a grown-up—such as paying taxes, facing unreasonable expectations, and grappling with an impending sense of doom—having choices and a credit card to make empowered decisions that feel supportive to you are massive perks. Use them.
Curiosity: get to know them
Use this opportunity to learn about yourself by paying attention to the people you grew up with.
How well do you actually know your family? What would you discover about them if you met them with fresh and curious eyes?
Listen to what they speak about the most, their language, their fears, their longings, their stories. Observe their facial expressions and physical movements. Notice how they relate to their emotions.
You are at the epicentre of where so many of the behaviours/patterns/ways you see, experience and move through the world were created and solidified. Like looking into a mirror, by seeing them, you will likely recognise aspects of yourself as well.
No retreat or "spiritual" experience could ever offer you as much information about yourself as being home will.
As Ram Dass wisely said: “if you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your family.”
Awareness: notice who you become
Learn about yourself by paying attention to how you feel, behave and speak around the people you grew up with.
Notice the roles you play, what you take responsibility for, what you blame others for, the familiar emotions that arise, what you yearn for, what you reject or run away from, how you react to conflict, what triggers you, and how it feels to be in your body/nervous system in the presence of different people, etc.
Top tip: Often, we either imitate our parents' behaviors or rebel and try to become the opposite. Can you notice this dance in you?
Courage: embody change
Insights become embodied wisdom through action.
Being with family provides fertile ground to integrate, through practice, the transformation, wisdom, and maturity you have gained via meditation, yoga, therapy, books, and life.
Perhaps you can hold (and breathe into) the discomfort of 'conflict' instead of immediately becoming a mediator and trying to make everyone happy. Maybe you can relax your jaw and shoulders instead of contracting into frustration when someone makes a comment that bothers you. Perhaps you decide not to take things as personally as you usually would?
To break patterns in the place where patterns were created is as revolutionary as it gets.
Now that, is what I would call a (Christmas) miracle.
Self- love: be patient, soft and kind
No matter how things unfold, make sure to have your own back, and be kind with yourself.
Remember to ditch perfection, and celebrate every tiny courageous step you take.
(Bonus points if you make it as fun as possible and laugh along the way!)
ILY, I am proud of you.
Merry Christmas beloved x