Your Holly Longing
I was born with a deep longing heart.
A full body yearning.
An intense ache that has been my constant companion for the (almost!) 3 decades of my life.
There was a time in which I saw it as a weakness.
As a sign that I wasn’t meditating enough or embodying my wholeness enough.
“Am I being needy?”, “Why do I feel like I need something else to complete me… I should be 100% fine on my own!”
I tried numbing it. Ignoring it. Spiritualising it. Filling it with temporary quick fixes.
Needless to say, none of them worked.
It wasn’t until I gave up and fell to my knees in surrender that I gave my yearning full permission and space to be felt.
I allowed myself to sink into it. To fully relax into the void, the gaping black hole that lived in my chest.
It felt so big, so vast that I felt myself be consumed by it.
I danced with it. Moved with it. Cried with it.
And that’s when a softening occurred. When I allowed myself to be cracked open by my yearning.
I consciously owned and embodied that longing without grasping. Without neediness.
I was tasting the raw flavour of longing. I wasn’t trying to fill it. I wasn’t trying to control it. I was simply dissolving into it.
I experienced how my longing was actually an invitation, a magnetic gateway for that which I yearned for.
By opening into it, I created space to receive and be filled by what I longed for: love, life, the divine, a lover.
Longing is not a passive state. It’s a powerful force. It’s a reckoning.
Paradoxically, when we step into the emptiness with awareness, there is wholeness in this space.
This is the teaching of our holly longing:
It invites us to bow down into the heart that wants to be reunited with the whole.
It reminds us of the illusion of separation.
It reminds us of the union we have already experienced.
The oneness from which we originate from and towards which we are heading.
The union that is always waiting for us.
Calling us home.