Are you abandoning yourself?
Fear of abandonment is one of the core themes that come up working with my clients.
Growing up, the majority of us experienced feeling abandoned (physically/emotionally) by our mother, father (my personal experience), sibling, and/or other close family members.
From those experiences we create beliefs such as: “they left because of ME”, “people walk away”, “they say they will stay, but it’s a matter of time until they leave”, “I will always be on my own”, “if I’m fully myself, he/she will leave me”.
Those moments shape the way we feel, think and behave in relationships. Often manifesting as a profound fear of our partners/loved ones suddenly leaving us.
When we’ve experienced a deep pain such as feeling abandoned, a part of us is willing to do ANYTHING to avoid ever feeling that agony again.
Especially since when we’re young, being abandoned can mean death (as children, how could we survive without our main care-giver?) so the stakes are HIGH.
No wonder we learn it’s safer to people-please our way into the personality we think will make it less likely to be abandoned (ie I’ll be whoever you want me to be, just don’t leave).
Through my own journey, I’ve come to recognise all the ways I’ve abandoned myself out of fear of abandonment.
All those times when I didn’t honour my needs. I ignored my intuition. I silenced my feelings not to cause “conflict”. I said YES when I wanted to say NO. I dismissed my body’s warning signs.
When we abandon ourselves, we actually practice the very thing we’re terrified of experiencing.
The interesting thing is that, ultimately, we can never truly be abandoned. We can only abandon ourselves.
Real love can never be lost or taken away. It's the essence of who we are.
Of course if someone close decides to no longer be in our lives we’ll miss their company and it will hurt, but we won't lose any part of who we are.
Someone walking away is actually never personal (despite our egos making it feel VERY personal). Because even when we’re with someone, we’re actually experiencing ourselves through the other person… so their feelings & actions have nothing to do with us, everything to do with them.
So, my dear one, have you been abandoning the most important person in your life? Yourself?